come and gone

my motivation... as usual, i had high expectations for this weekend. eating right, working out and doing homework. yup; totally on it... homework was a definite bust. i only read about 10 pages of the eight chapters i was planning to do. that seems like a ton, but i had three days with little to do. working out went ok. i went out saturday and sunday so there was a bit of walking, and i did almost four miles on the treadmill yesterday. i was going to walk this morning, but i was a wee bit tired. i decided to stay up til 130 playing some silly online puzzle game. oops... eating went better than i could've imagined. the last few cook outs with my family have been less than stellar. i always eat a million more points than i intend to (damn utz potato chips), and can never make up the deficit. i didn't have a full fledged eating plan, which actually worked better for me than my usual mapped out four day guide to not shoving copious amounts of junk in my face (yep, that's the whole name of the plan :p).

saturday, i had drinks with jess for her birthday at lucky bar. i decided ahead of time what i wanted (beers and chicken tenders) so i knew how many weekly points i would use. i put down for two beers, chicken tenders and a handful of fries because when there are beers, i always want something fried in my belly. i ended up only having one beer and three waters the entire time i was out. that's what happens when i actually engage in conversation instead of being the creepy quiet kid listening in. i ate all my daily points, and only needed one of my weekly... sunday, N and i went to see sex and the city 2, which means dinner out and drinks at the theater. again, i gave myself a few from the weekly to cover the dinner and drinks. turns out, i almost didn't need those extra points for dinner. if i hadn't ordered dessert, i would have been exactly on my daily target. that includes eating my entire appetizer and entree with two martinis on the side. N and i split a chocolate souffle, which helped keep my points down for the evening... and yesterday, i actually found the motivation to walk. i've been really lax about my komen training the last few weeks. since my new walking shoes and sweat wicking socks came in last week, i figured it was time to start breaking them in. so i hopped on the treadmill with my laptop (not easy since there's no lip on the console), and walked. i was able to read a good chunk of my fave blogs while walking for two hours. unfortunately, the treadmill seems to cut you off after two hours so i ended up with 3.91 miles total. i need to ramp up the speed a bit next time i think. further upside, that two hours earned me an extra four points. so i gave myself 34 points to eat the rest of the day. seems like a shit ton, but my mom always makes too much food, which i am all too happy to eat. funny thing how i almost didn't need all those extras. i could've stopped eating at any point, been full and close to my daily target. i ate all my favorite foods, including those devil chips, and only ate an extra three over what i was allowing myself. i still have nine weekly points remaining, and today is the last day of my eating week

i won't lie; part of my eating success is because i had late/low point breakfasts all weekend. i just wasn't hungry so i ate less, and i didn't eat in the first (three) hour(s) that i was awake. something about weekends shuts down my hunger... eating later meant that i wasn't as hungry when "dinner" rolled around so eating smaller (well... correct) portions filled me nicely. yesterday was the only day i kinda cheated. i had mini cookies for breakfast (only 1/3 of a serving) because i didn't feel like making anything. i didn't eat immediately after getting off the treadmill because i stopped being hungry about 10 minutes beforehand. i wasn't ravenous the whole time; it was about a 15 minute period towards the end. two hours later, i was downing an extra lean burger so it was all good in my book

last night, i told myself i was gonna get up at 7am to walk again. what did i do? slept til 8ish, and i'm still sitting here in my pjs at almost 10am. oh well. i'll walk after work instead since this morning was a bust. i would rather walk in the mornings to get it out of the way, but it's going to take a bit more effort to stay on ball. perhaps tomorrow will go a bit better; it's my late day so i have an extra hour at home to do whatever i need 

how did y'all survive the holiday?

1.2 up

i gained this week, and i'm feeling guilty. i try to stick with the workouts, but now a single day off can sidetrack me. i'm really excited that my new balance stuff came in for the komen walk, which included a pedometer. i'm wearing it now, and i've already take over 100 steps in two hours. unfortunately, the sensitivity was too high so every time i shifted in my chair it counted a step. i don't think i'm going to track today's steps simply because i know the data's skewed. plus i want to get an idea of how many steps i tend to take in a day. then i'll set myself a daily goal for office days and home days

*sigh* i'm super bummed about this week, which is pummeling my motivation that much more. but i won't bring you down with my boo posts. maybe i'll find my motivation tomorrow

starving to death

well... not really... i just can't stop thinking about food at the moment. i made cinnamon rolls over the weekend (pillsbury reduced fat), and ate the last one for breakfast today. it's the same breakfast i had yesterday, and i didn't learn my lesson. it's simply not filling enough on it's own. it's a waste of three points. i could've had cereal for the same amount instead of that sugary lump of yum. not to say the cereal isn't yummy; i wanted to finish the rolls without scarfing down a ton of other crap with it. i was gonna make myself some tea to stave off the hunger, but i forgot to bring more packets from home. should've grabbed those last night

bah. i am failing at food today. so i'm going to have to distract myself until 1230. i have a couple work tasks and some personal stuff to handle i guess. fingers crossed that it takes my mind off my achy tummy...

on another note, i adjusted my self challenge. i noticed that i was being a bit hard on myself about eating out so i changed how i calculated that penalty. plus it makes more sense for how i manage the "not eating out this week" bonus. not really sure what i was thinking before... also popped in revabs last night, and did an entire hour (two workouts). it's been about two weeks since the last time so i think it's why i'm a bit tired this morning. however, i'm not in much pain. i feel it a little bit in my shoulders/neck if i'm not sitting up straight. i guess this will force me to work on my posture, too. i've gotten really bad after all these office jobs

*sigh* i should probably get to work. otherwise, i will continue to think about eating this:

someone submitted it to this is why you're fat for a reason ;)

2.8 down

i was so focused on doing actual work today, i almost forgot to post. silly me :)

so look at that exciting number. i'm at almost 45 pounds down since last year. i'm 1.4 away from my interim goal and 21.4 from the ultimate number. how crazy is that??? i promptly celebrated last night with too many potato chips and a glass of wine. oops lol... i'm feeling energized again (i'm getting a hold on work, the weather is beautiful and i took a leap towards my goal) so there might be some working out tonight. i might even talk N in to assembling the treadmill... there's a few more hours left in my day so we'll see if i can keep the positivity on the front bunner

in other things, i realized yesterday that i buttoned a new button on my shirt. i'd done it last week, too, but didn't notice. being a busty girl, i've always worn my clothes a certain way. buttoned under the bust and over the belly, untucked because tucking is for dorks. well when the belly got bigger, i only buttoned two because the third wouldn't stay. i'm now buttoning all three again! not the most exciting news, but still something good. i know i've been talking about my clothes a lot lately. i just can't help it. it's the first change i seem to notice, and the easiest to focus on when thinking of non-scale victories

so... yea. good week for me. has it been a good week for you? :)

ps - tuesday was my blogaversary, and i forgot oops. happy anniversary to me :p

after reading this post, i'm feeling a bit more positive about my body today. this week has been very lax. i worked out wed... and not a day since. oops

i've just not been in the mood (crabby, tired, etc) or not home. saturday was my baby brother's birthday. i call him my baby brother because if i say my 23 year old brother, i feel like an old lady. we went out for dinner (brian boru again cause we love them); i had a spinach salad with a crab cake and fries with vinegar. i scratched the fried potato itch while sharing with mom and the boy. plus mom got cupcakes instead of cake cake, which were yummy and slightly less point stealing. i managed not to over do it too much until mom whipped out the popcorn. thank god she got the butterless kind, which were about half the points as its more delicious counterpart

sunday was the first cookout. i can't tell you how excited i was; grilling is probably my most loved aspect of the summer. mom made burgers, sausages, hot dogs and fruit salad. no grilled veggies this time round, but i'll make sure we get some next time. i had a sausage and two burgers with chips and fruit salad. i hadn't eaten much earlier in the day (wasn't really hungry for breakfast) so the day wasn't as bad as it could've been. yesterday, i was right on target, and i should be again today...

i had all the best intentions to work out to counterbalance the additional eating. obviously, i did not follow through. i haven't even done my komen training this week :( i don't know where this inconsistency came from... actually, i don't know where my motivation went. i was rocking the regular workouts last fall, but i've been behind the curve all spring. N even bought a treadmill so we could walk at home when it's gross outside or super late/early in the day. we've yet to set it up. it requires two people, and i haven't felt up to doing it when i'm at home. i know i won't want to do it today either. i'm still grouchy, achy and tired. tonight's agenda includes eating soup and drinking tea (maybe wine) while reading a book. that is all. i just need it

but seriously. i'm feeling less crappy/guilty about not working out this week because it's not all about changing the numbers. i'm changing how i think about my body, food and weight loss. my life is not dictated by the scale. i have a goal weight, but it's not the only goal. people keep asking me if i feel different (in terms of physical health and such). the answer: no. my body feels the same it always did; my health is the same as it always was. i don't have more energy, i don't sleep better and i don't have reduced cravings. however, my mentality has changed. those little perks boost me a little bit more than the numbers on the scale. on good days, i'm more confident and (almost) peppy. i rarely have that urge to completely give up because i've sabotaged myself again. i'm genuinely happy that i'm doing this, and i believe that i can reach my grand goal of being a skinny fucking bitch

;)

0.2 down

headed in the right direction :) and people around the office are starting to notice. it's both exciting and upsetting

i love it when people compliment me on my weight loss. i actually ran into a woman from our legal department today who asked what i'd been doing. so i gave her the weight watchers' party line. love this program, and it works really well for me so why not promote it. i still think it's the best program of the bunch, regardless of what anyone else says or thinks :p

the strange thing though is i also hate the fact that people notice and are super excited for me. i sometimes think about asking them how bad i was before. it's one thing for me to say to people "i've been trying to lose weight, and it's going really well". it's another for people to come up out of nowhere with "oh my god! have you lost weight? you look great!" cause i'm starting to think i was an even bigger fatty than i thought. a fatty who didn't hid her fatty-ness as well in her clearly ill fitting office attire. i don't know if it's entirely because i've lost weight, because my clothes are loose or a combination of both. today is particularly annoying because i'm wearing a top that's designed to be looser fitting. this is it's first trip out of the bag, and it was hard to get dressed. i wanted to wear capris, but they didn't look quite right. capris said business; top said margaritas. so i put on jeans. but i still don't think it quite works. the top's almost long enough to be worn as a dress so i think it'd go better with leggings. which i don't wear cause i hate them; these thighs were not meant for them :p so it's a bit of a dilemma. i really really like the color. just not loving the fit. it gets to stay though cause i think it'd make a great maternity top in the future. yea, i actually think about that. why buy a whole new wardrobe when i can get away with wearing my "fat clothes" for a few pregnancy months? cost effective, no?

eh. i'm only slightly ridiculous... it's not like people are being malicious or anything. so perhaps i should stop being a grouch about it. i'll work on accepting the compliments for what they are. it's not even about looking thinner so it shouldn't matter if i'm validated or not. i'm trying to get healthier, and fitting in to smaller jeans should be just a happy side effect :)

it's in the jeans

well i had pretty high hopes for last week. i didn't accomplish some of it, but it was still a good week. got in three walks, ate out four times (oops) and snuggled on the couch for 10 hours straight. my finals are over so i'm feeling more relaxed about life, too. i think i'll have a loss today, but i'm not stressing about whether it's big or small. i'm having a bit of an NSV moment: the jeans i bought two weeks ago are sagging already. granted, i was a bit bloated when i bought them. but i wasn't THAT bloated. it sucks a bit cause i just bought them, but i'm going to exchange them tomorrow for a smaller size

oh dear lord. SMALLER SIZE

some days it really freaks me out how much weight i've lost. i know i'm not down another size yet, but i'm going to get them anyway. i didn't like the skinny 12s i tried on the other day and i'll be damned if i let my discount go to waste (jeans were 30% off that weekend). size 10s, i'm coming for you!

0.4 down

that's my weight update for the last two weeks; i knew last week was no good. this week is starting on the semi-good side. N made tacos and margaritas for dinner last night (yay celebrating holidays of other cultures!) so i ate a little extra. today, i am only half a point over. i'm going out to recelebrate since MM was studying last night; plus her semester will be officially over after 7pm tonight. i've already checked the menu from where we're going (thank you, zen west) and decided on what i'm eating (chicken quesadilla with a small order of guacamole). i will not be drinking tonight because i might be drinking tomorrow. the boyfriend is coming down for the weekend and wants to watch the celtics game. since i just cancelled my cable service, we no longer get fancy channels like TNT or ESPN. so there is a strong chance we'll end up at rams head for the evening. in which case, i'll be having a fordham light and crab dip. saturday should be fairly light since we're not going anywhere. gonna finish up the avatar: last airbender marathon with C-141's. then sunday is mom's day brunch at brian boru. i've already chosen my food items, leaving me three points for dinner lol. it's a lot of eating (three times out!) BUT my plan is to also get a lot of activity

i walked this morning as part of my komen training. unfortunately, i deviated from the route i originally planned to walk so i was short 0.6 miles. at least there's tomorrow :) i'm also going to try to squeeze in a revabs workout before J gets in. i think i'll have just enough time to do it after dinner. tomorrow morning, i'm going to get up for another 7am walk, sticking to the correct route. plus i'm only working a half day so there will potentially be some turbo jamming in the afternoon. saturday i have a four mile walk; sunday i have a three milk walk. both will get done along with the scheduled laziness/brunch. mixed in will be some non-standard workouts. it's ok if you're mind is in the gutter; you're in good company ;) i also psuedo challenged J to wii table tennis so lots of fun should be had by all... it's going to be a crazy weekend but i'm planning ahead to keep on track. get your fingers crossed for losses next week :)

bye week

i decided not to weighing in on wednesday. i ate far too much last week, and i'd rather not know the damage. so i started a new week with a clean slate, and i'm taking it from the top. i planned ahead to avoid some of the issues of last weekend. thursday, i put in everything i wanted to eat through today, making adjustments as needed. and i've managed to eat within my points each day since :) today we're having dinner with N's parents. steaks and grilled veggies are on the menu, and i'm super excited. i popped those into the system, and i still have 2 daily and 34 weekly points left. monday and tuesday should be good regardless because whatever i eat will still be within my weekly limits. that's been my biggest problem the last few weeks. i always eat far too much and have to make up the difference at the last minute. it sucks, and it's dumb. i should know better, but i've gotten food lazy. part of my new plan also relates to my current budget. this week is little grocery week so i need to figure out what i want before wednesday. then i need to pare down to what i need for the week. the goal is not to spend any more than $10 on essentials. unfortunately, i might have to adjust that limit down this week since i was over budget last week. shouldn't be too hard though since i think i only need milk and strawberries (love me some strawberries)

speaking of monies, i finally mapped out my bonus plan for my little self challenge. i started a few savings accounts over at smartypig a couple weeks ago so i have three goals to work towards. since these are bonuses to help me get to my goals faster, the amounts are low. the current plan encompasses a few different things: general working out, training for the komen walk and eating out. general working out includes the wii, turbo jam and revabs (which i did for the first time today. awesome!). komen training is a LOT of walking. there's also a miscellaneous category to include my walks to class, chores around the house and such. the eating out could be hard so i have a reward and penalty based on how i do each week. i decided to start the challenge with my new slate instead of waiting til the new month. so far i have one workout and one dinner out noted, which already puts me in the hole lol. my hope is that by the end of the month, i'll have a good routine that'll get me earning more than i'm losing :)

how do you challenge yourself?

1.0 up

the weight watchers scale says i gained a pound since last week... the wii balance board says i've lost over three pounds since tuesday night... which do i trust?

eh, don't care. i had a moment this morning... occasionally, i stare at myself in the mirror, before or after a shower, just because. sometimes i glare at my flaws, sometimes i admire little bits, sometimes i'm just looking for signs of my lady beard. well today, i was stretching in the bathroom to wake myself up a bit. i just happened to be standing so that my profile was reflected in the mirror, and i noticed something...

my tummy is flatter. when the fuck did that happen?!

if you can't tell, i was extremely surprised by this because i don't see it happening. i live with this body every day so the subtle changes go unnoticed. i have to rely on the way my clothes fit and comments from people i see rarely. no offense to the people who see me regularly, but in my head, you see what i see and the subtle isn't obvious. if i point something out, N's always the first one to shower me with praise (and jealousy) because we live together. but i'm seeing my girls this weekend, and i'm more excited to hear what they have to say. it's just one of those things... N and i talk about this issue all the time, and i always say that the image in his head, of himself, is not what i see. he says basically the same thing to me; i don't think either of us really believes it though. we identify ourselves as those cake loving fat kids from high school no matter how our weight changes. so while the numbers get *fingers crossed* smaller, my self image is still rather rotund

sometimes i think about taking actual measurements of my "problem" areas, but that would be a little overwhelming for me. i'm just not one of those people. i might take occasional (read: biannual) measurements, but not really to track. it'd be more like "huh look at this interesting bit of info"... today's little moment is definitely a motivator to keep at it. i'm 20 pounds away from my goal and devising a plan to get there

i also wanted to note something, little blog. i've reached a few milestones this week, and another one is coming up. i joined weight watchers on april 19th, i attended my first meeting as a member on april 22nd, and i started this blog on may 18th. it all kind of snuck up on me so i don't have anything special planned for my anniversary(ies). sorry, folks, no giveaways here ;). i don't even have a take home snippet to this post... at least not one that's oprah-level motivation... i've lost 41.4 pounds in 52 weeks. it's taken a lot to get here, and i have to remind myself constantly that i can keep doing it. moments like this make it easier, and i know that i can make it to the end regardless of how long it takes me