eating disorder?

**i'm not fond of disclaimers, but i think this needs to be stated upfront. i know it's easy to project judgment and i am a judgey mcjudgerson, but this is entirely about me and my issues. i am scrutinizing my fat self, nothing/no one beyond that**

so the other day, this article was published on jezebel and a twitter friend shared it. as i read it, i grew increasingly annoyed. what i've been saying for years is actually true. there is so little food in the special k foods that your body practically starves. hence why i refer to the special k diet as the anorexic diet. as i commented on the original post, i realize that comparison is a bit crass and potentially hurtful to anyone who has/does/will struggle with an eating disorder. as i was leaving that comment, i was reminded of an email i sent to heather. she'd asked a question about clarifying the weight watchers' points plus system. at the end, i mentioned that i have a history of unintentional under eating. hence, why i like having a target number i have to eat so i know i'm taking enough calories in to compensate for those going out. i'm picky, slow and always seemed to be "full" quickly. there were entire weekends in which i didn't eat much of anything because i never felt hungry at all. over the years, i nibbled and tiny portioned myself to almost 200 pounds

and now i'm wondering: did i have an undiagnosed eating disorder? would it just be classified as disorganized eating (eating disorder NOS)? should i even worry about this?

i've had issues with my body and weight since i started putting the weight on when i was little. even when i was dancing and cheering, i secretly always saw myself as the "fat one". the only time in my life i was ever bullied was in dance class. it was small (especially compared to the routine taunts kids today sustain) and focused on my speech. i was a suburban girl dancing with inner city kids. i was an outsider because i "talked white". i immediately stopped speaking to anyone while at dance class. we left the company when i was in 7th grade over financial issues. it was not about my weight, but a tiny piece of me still thinks it secretly was. i picked up cheerleading freshman year of high school because i missed dance team tryouts by a week. shockingly, i made the JV squad with absolutely no cheer experience at all, and cheered through my junior year. we always joked that i was the bitter cheerleader because i'm not perky in the slightest. in my head, i was the token fat chick. fortunately, i loved our uniforms the last two years. the skirt had side slits on the left that fell open just enough while seated at my desk. i always hated how big i was, but i loved my thighs. mostly muscle from lifting those tiny bitches. unfortunately, being the biggest girl on the squad meant i couldn't sell my uniform to someone when i quit before senior year. no recouping of funds for me. i didn't cheer in college because i never felt skilled, pretty or thin enough to compete with those girls. the girls who barely did thigh stands and couldn't be heard over a nonexistent crowed were still better than i *sigh*

senior year of high school was my worst year. i won't go into much detail, but i spent almost the entire year in therapy. i left with a precautionary diagnosis of borderline depression. or, as i like to call it, stress induced depression. the important focus: homecoming and prom. i went dress shopping with my mom and found two dresses. i somehow convinced her to buy both at the same time because i loved them both. i promised her profusely that i would not ask for another dress. at some point later in the year, i ended up on the floor of hecht's (remember that place?), hiding in the racks, crying because of that stupid promise. everything worked out fine without my pleading with mom for a new dress. homecoming came and went with fun had by many. but as everyone knows, prom is a completely different beast from homecoming

my prom dress was a beautiful light blue with a soft flower applique. it was a boat neck, sleeveless dress with an empire waist. it was a size too small. i went on my first and only diet. my first and only active participation in lent as a true decision making catholic. i gave up meat for lent 2002. a few friends were vegetarian so why the hell not try it. when lent ended, i decided i'd keep not eating meat. partly because i didn't really care to start gorging on meat again. partly because it was going to help me lose weight. i was fitting in that damn dress one way or another. i started drinking slimfast shakes twice a day, breakfast and lunch. it was nice in the mornings because i could drink it on the way to school (or walking to class, if necessary). i was a wee hungry, but i could make it til theater crew. all rehearsals began with a 7-11 run :) hello, large vanilla cappucino. somehow that tided me over until getting home for dinner. don't ask me how i did it. don't ask me how much i lost. i honestly have no clue. what i do know is i fit in that dress and never felt prettier. i also told neal he better have food waiting at his house for when i got there cause i was fucking hungry. by may i think i was feeling the effects of not enough calories, but definitely not associating the two. i just knew that i was hot in that dress, and i pissed some people off. i had fun at prom and at the after party (movies in our jammies with neal's momma loading up the ice cream? uh... hell yea!)

of course, i went back to eating like my normal self after prom. i did keep the slimfasts around for a bit because i actually liked them. eventually, they had to go because i prefer real breakfast to all other consumables. again, don't ask me how much weight i put on or how long it took. i have no clue. i really wasn't paying any attention to myself. i lived my life hating and ignoring my body. it was the enemy and had to be stopped at any costs. at the same time, i wasn't willing to put in the effort to figure out how to combat it. until that day, in 2009, when i stepped on the scale. and the nurse had to move my bracket up. then i realized that i was the enemy, not my body

i don't know if i had a true eating disorder. i do think that i had a brief bought of disorganized eating while also dealing with the tail end of a mild case of depression. my brain sounds fun, doesn't it? i've never used food as a method of control. i've never purged. i can say that i binged, but that's what i'm told the holidays are all about. i've never felt particularly guilty about the food itself. because i didn't connect food with fat. i just knew that i was fat. i, luckily, reached my breaking point before i reached a point of no return. before i had high cholesterol and blood pressure. before i had diabetes. before i had any health problems at all. i took control of myself, connected the dots and changed. 64.6 pounds lighter, i am still a fat kid. but i am not fat

i still prefer a big bowl of pasta with meatballs and mozzarella to a grilled chicken salad. i still indulge in fried foods and american bacon. i still opt for that second yuengling. i am a fat kid. but i will never let myself be fat again. i know how to treat my body better. to work with it so it works for me. i will not allow myself to backslide in to that self loathing chubby girl who wishes she could fade into the wallpaper before anyone notices how hideous she truly is. i am writing this, for the first time without a hint of joking:

i love me

inner fat kid, outer skinny bitch and all