0.2 up

starting to get annoying, but at least it's not the nearly two pounds gained that the wii was talking about. what a cunt that wii can be... i was far less grouchy about the gain during the meeting. i went home figuring it could be something as small as the clothes i wore. i had dinner, talked with jesse and went to bed early. i had started this post before, but got sidetracked by the call and bed. now that it's had time to settle, i am not pleased. the more i think about it, the more irritated it makes me. i'm doing everything right. i'm eating well balanced meals, not depriving myself or overindulging. i'm working out regularly, cardio and strength training. i'm listening to my body blah blah blah. yet i keep bouncing around the same 1.5 pounds. what. the. fuck.

i know my body is changing because my smallest jeans, which are already skinny, are loose. i just ordered new work pants in a size i still cannot believe i may fit in. i am slowly going through all my clothes, prepping for an overhaul because shit doesn't fit. WHY CAN'T I GET RID OF FOUR FUCKING POUNDS!?! i know some of it is because of muscle building, but that muscle does not seem to be doing a very good job. i don't know at what rate i'm burning through fat, but it isn't up to par. i feel like i need to weight all my clothes or something to constantly push my muscles. then i think about how much that would fucking hurt. i did my 30min of nfl training camp yesterday; my shoulders and neck are killing me today. i can't get comfortable because my knees don't wanna be bent and my ass doesn't want to prop me up. i have a MASSIVE headache because i overslept (sidebar: i'm allergic to painkillers so i have to power through all this). top that off with being fucking angry, and i'm a smorgasbord of awesome right now

this has become an increasingly frustrating few weeks. i'm starting to understand how my mom feels; although, she's able to shrug it off. she does the same things every week. yet she'll have these tiny steps forward and backwards. nearly two years later, i think she weighs the exact same she did when we started going together. i know it's not the worst thing. when she was doing the at work program, she lost enough to reduce some of her meds. but she hasn't made any progress since. i would not be able to handle that. i can't even handle this lack of progress, and it hasn't even been two months...

i am at a loss. i want to go back to bed and sleep til tomorrow. i want to wake up not feeling disappointed in myself. i want to enjoy my meals, not resenting the wasted time i spent cooking and dividing all of it. i want to stop fixating on all these numbers that have become excessively important. i want to believe that i am getting somewhere

i am alexander, and i wish this day would end

{i'm not in a place to accept feedback at the moment so i've turned off comments for this post}