1.2 up

ugh seriously? i just gained back what i dropped last week. boo boo boo. i guess this is what i have to look forward to after my komen training is done. even though i've already scheduled time to workout, i know i'll be less likely to follow through. dammit i need better reinforcement or something (my brain is full of learning and cognition at the moment. yay grad school)

*sigh* i'm trying not to be so disappointed with myself, but i feel like a huge failure. it's taken me four days just to write this post because i'm so annoyed. what am i doing??? i know i feel better when i work out. i know it helps me get closer to my goal. i know it helps balance against what i eat. yet, i'm still sitting here doing very little. i need to walk, read for class, finish blog posts and do a class write up. i want to just watch football (first ravens/steelers meet up of the season!), read for fun and nap. oh and eat junk. i could get away with indulging a little foodwise if i got my ass on the treadmill... i just don't have the mental energy to do it. i'm spiraling mentally. i'm stressed about school, work and upcoming events. i can barely finish a single thought before i start thinking of a thousand other things i need to do or say or remember. how am i supposed to take care of me??? when i get too stressed, i start shutting down and lashing out. it's already started, and it's very difficult to snap out of it. it's like i need someone standing over me, constantly reminding me of what i need to be doing and making sure i do it. i'm terrible at self monitoring, especially in moments like this...

today, i am a disappointment